Autophobic

Seems rather self-centered, really, to imagine that of all the billions of people on our bright and beautiful earth, that any number of people might be concerned with how I'm feeling, what I might be thinking at any given moment, or, worst comes to worst, what song I might be listening to. And, of course, it is with these thoughts in mind that, logically, I conceived to write a blog.

In all seriousness, my choice to do this is really born from what I believe is a moderate to major case of autophobia, a fear of being alone. You see, I'm a recently-turned-20 college student from "Downeast" Maine, which is the scenic section where the lobster traps outnumber the teeth in any given square mile. Currently, I'm on my spring break, which, in my case, consists of two weeks away at "home."

It's ironic really, because I've grown so used to being at school. I'm very comfortable now with the constant noise, the lack of alone time, and the steady stream of things to occupy my mind. In contrast, my house is a veritable den of solitude. Gone are the days when I was younger, in which case my home was a flurry of activity. At any given moment, one of the five residents could be coming, going, doing homework, practicing an instrument, playing a videogame, preparing to leave to go to any of the hundreds of extra-curriculars myself and my two younger siblings were involved in.

No,w it is not so. The older of my two younger sisters is away, having a college experience of her own, and since the two of us are now most often gone, the youngest spends most of her time at her mom's house. My parents, if they're not toiling away at their days jobs, to assure our quality of life is maintained, have grown accustomed to a childless household, and spend most of their time relaxing in front of the TV, or sleeping.

And so, that leaves me. I spend most of the actual day alone, and enjoy the few moments of excitement I get when the aforementioned parents return home, when I can spend a few minutes leaned up against a counter while i hear about how their day was "just another day at the office," or the tried-and-true equivalent, before I slink back to my bedroom, and wait for something exciting to happen. Usually, what follows is a few hours of me making regular trips to the living room to find my tired parents half-asleep in front of the TV, before they finally concede to their exhaustion, and head to their upstairs bedroom, which, again, essentially leaves me alone.

This has been the pattern since this year began. My sophomore year, my younger siblings being freshmen in college and high-school respectively, it's the first time I've really been alone this much. And I despise it. When I'm at school, I'm a very social person. I'm loud, boisterous, easily excited, and I love to spend time with my friends more than doing anything else on campus. In fact, I find it much more relaxing to be busy with a group of people I love and enjoy the company of, rather than spend a day alone, in my pj's, doing nothing. Especially frustrating is the fact that my core friends group all happen to be from the same area, so on occasions such as these, they're all going to the same place, and many a Facebook post of text remind me of how much fun they're all having together, while I'm sitting here.

I certainly don't resent anyone for this. That would be silly. I've just noticed, especially during this vacation, that I seem to talk to myself a lot more than I usually might. I made an excuse to go shopping tonight, after my parents got home, just so I'd have somewhere to go and something to do. Honestly, I could have gone without the laundry detergent and shoes until I want back to school, 2 weeks from now, but I needed to go somewhere. In short, I guess it just really scares me, that I get almost physically upset when I'm alone for more than a few hours or so. I get antsy, and sick to my stomach. I guess you could so it bothers me that it bothers me.

And thus we come full circle, for it is thus I have come to design to compose a blog. For one, I've always heard it's better to write your feelings out. To me, it sort of takes the abstract thoughts in my head, the things I can't easily deal with, and forces them into a concrete form, letters and words, which are things I can deal with. But as well, there's that simple, narcissistic thought that maybe, just maybe, somebody will take the time to read through some, or even all of that which I have written here, and that would mean that perhaps I'm not so alone as I'm afraid I am.