Cuddling

I’m a sex guy (Quick note: If this seems like news to you, coming from a hormonally hyperactive college age male, I’d like to be the first to inform you that lots of fish live in the water, and that the sky is, indeed, blue.) A touchy subject if ever there was one, intimate relations with other human beings is a subject any novice blogger should fear to tread. Thankfully, I’m no… You know what, just trust me.

The reason this subject, or more aptly, the subject of relationships in general, currently weighs heavy on my mind is likely creditable to the fact that I have recently ended my longest, most successful one to date. Almost 10 months, which, compared to the length of some of the relationships my peers (and indeed my youngers) engage in these days, is arguably rather short. But for me, it outdoes my 2^nd best attempt nearly three times over. And, in all reality, the reason for it ending could very much be attributed to sex, or in this case, lack thereof.

To be honest, my ex and I were actually quite compatible when it came to the small things. Similar sense of humor, same general interests, we were (and still are) in the same major, so we certainly got to spend a lot of time together. She was a little more in to going outside and going for walks and the like than I was, but to be fair, I was in dire need of a little exercise most of the time anyway, so overall, things went rather well with the day-to-day.  Where the issues arose were the times when we were alone together.

We very much disagreed on nearly everything when it came to being intimate. She, being raised in a very religious house-hold, was adamant that waiting until marriage was the only option, for anything. And, being that I’m an avowed atheist who has enjoyed the carnal pleasures before, and wishes to do so again, this did not sit well with me. However, before you think me utterly shallow, and selfish (I’d like to tell you that I could care little for what you think of me or my opinions, but being that I’m posting them on the internet in the hopes that you will peruse and react to them, that would be quite silly) allow me to state that this was not the biggest issue for me.  

They say the key to a good relationship is the ability to compromise. Unfortunately, in this department, there was none to be had. She believed not only that we shouldn’t engage in straight up sex, but really, nothing of the sort. Beyond that, she had a problem with being in anything less than a full set of clothing around me, and had a problem with the idea of sleeping next to me. And this is where the real issue for me arose. Because, on a few occasions, I did manage to convince her to spend the night in my bed, and though there was no sexy time to be had, I can honestly say that those were the best nights of sleep I’ve ever gotten.

The intimacy of being next to another human in the sleep state was something I’d never had a chance to experience before, and I was hooked after the first night. I was so comfortable and contended, the perfect balance between the security of having another soul so close, and the purpose of having my arms wrapped around someone I cared for, as if to say “No harm will ever come to you, so long as I am here.” That was what I was really into.

I found out after a few more nights together that maybe her religious opinions were not the only things holding her back from sleeping next to me. One morning, she inadvertently blurted to that I was very restless during the night, and that she had a very difficult time sleeping with me there.  As I look back on it now, I guess I really can’t blame her if that is the case. We could have debated all we liked about the wishes of gods and men, and which outweighed the other, but when it comes down to it, I can’t blame her for wanting to get a good night’s sleep. But then, can I really be blamed for wanting the same thing?

It’s inaccurate to say these were the only problem with the relationship. Are opinions actually differed in a number of other ways, and eventually, we both decided, much to our mutual disappointment, that we just couldn't make things work. This was the logical side of me acting, taking in information, and coming to a decision based on logic. Unfortunately, it is not the only side that has a say. I find myself now, nearly 2 months after the relationships end, having random flashes of “the good old days,” the moments in the relationship that told me how much I loved and cared for her. Logically, I know that these moments are true, and that I did and still do care for her, but that these moments do not accurately reflect the overall relationship. Disappointingly, the emotionally side of me doesn’t seem to care.

Life has not been terrible since this relationship ended, but I won’t say I don’t miss at least part of it. There were ups, and downs, to be certain, and her recent, major increase in contact and time spent with one of our mutual friends tells me that maybe I’m not as special as I’d like to think I am. But on the other hand, it really is a bugger to be sitting in my dorm room, doing homework, and to look over to my roommates side, where he and his girlfriend are watching television, she wrapped lovingly in his arms, both smiling as though they’d won the lottery a hundred times over.  

I find myself taken, in moments like these, or lately, just as I'm going to bed, by sudden urges to contact her, to try to ignite some lost spark, that I might cling to its sickly glow like it were the sun. One last dinner, one last talk, just one more chance! I haven’t, and doubt I will, but still, it intrigues me the power that my desire to love and be loved has over me. I’m really an addict, when it comes down to it, in that I crave that sort of personal connection more than I crave anything else (yes, even sex… and cake.)

In the end, I really am hopeful for the future. I doubt if I’ll ever totally forget my feelings for this previous young woman, but I also believe that in time, the thoughts of “what if?” will fade, replaced by simple memories and acceptance. I also believe that I can do better, and that I will, in time. As they say, there are millions of fish in the sea, and though I hope to try dating a few more humans first, who knows? As an addict, I’m likely to do anything in pursuit of that intimate connection, that loving bond, a good cuddle, and a good night’s sleep.