It seems to me, as of late, that there has been little in my
life that is predictable and organized. Indeed, from my work schedule, to my
free time, to my meal plan, and, as it is likely clear, even my blog posts,
have been very inconsistent. I suppose, that is the prerogative of a wild and
crazy summer after my sophomore year of college, but it has certainly set me
off my game. Being used to a life in college, where events are fairly
predictable, or within a small enough window of wiggle that I can prepare is
ideal for me, and without that environment to thrive in, I find my mood, and my
motivation, suffer.
I take a page from the book (Literally, it’s called “The Nerdist
Way”) of a celebrity idol of mine by the name of Chris Hardwick. He’s a
stand-up comedian, movie start, CEO of Nerdist industries, and, appropriately,
a self-proclaimed nerd. And one of the things he defines a nerd as is someone
who’s possessed of an extremely obsessive mindset, someone who focuses on their
life with an abnormal amount of tunnel vision, and that this is both their gift
and their curse. As anyone who knows me personally can tell you, obsessive is
an extremely appropriate way to describe me. Whether it’s the time I spent
obsessing over the same girl for 4 years of high school, my obsessive habit of
video games, or the fantastic way I have a tendency to obsessive over my
problems, and spend hours lying in bed, trying to sleep, and blowing them out
of proportion.
The ways that I circumvent the negative side of my
obsessiveness are many. Frequent time spent visiting with friends helps,
although we’ll get to that in a minute. However, my most effective method for
thwarting those long hours spent lying in my bed, staring at a dark ceiling, is
to have a plan. Rather than stew over everything that might occur in the coming
days, weeks, or months, if I can take a moment and say, “Okay, tomorrow, when I
wake up, I’m going to do X, Y, and Z. Then I’ll go to work/school, and do A, B,
and C. Then I’ll come home, have D for dinner, do E and F before bed, and it
will have been an alphabetically productive day.” Thus, I can focus on these
small objectives, and how I will accomplish them, knowing that’s how the next
day is going to go.
That’s where my big problem comes with an inconsistent
summer. The job that I’m doing this summer, as an undergrad researcher, is an
awesome one. I like the work, it’s interesting, and it is building my resume
like mad. However, it comes with its downsides. To start, living at home makes
it an hour’s drive away. Not the longest commute, but it burns gas quick, and
it turns a 6 hours day into an 8 hour day, an 8 hour day into a 10 hour day,
etc. Compare this to last summer, living a 5 minutes’ walk away, and the idea
of working over-time or coming in extra is a lot less appealing, which is unfortunate,
considering the need for money that I’m sure I share with many people these
days.
As well as that, the work requires me to be very flexible
with my work day schedule. I usually don’t know what I’ll be doing, or how long
it will take, until it’s time to actually do it. I do my best to be flexible,
and considering the work, I’m very thankful for the job in and of itself. But, the
peace of mind and nights of sleep that I end up missing out on are still
frustrating. Beyond that, the inconsistent schedule leaves me thinking about
needing a 2nd job, which is again, understandable, considering the
comparison I could make to some of my peers. But where does that leave me? A
full, crazy schedule, not a lot of sleep, and difficulty having any time to
spend with my friends.
I’ve spent many a type-set word on this blog already,
lamenting my inability to visit with people, and how much I suffer personally
for lack of human contact. Mello-drama aside, I would like to recall Chris
Hardwick’s book. His investigation into the mindset of a nerd, and that of a
stand-up comedian. I may be stretching the term, being that I’ve only ever
preformed 3 times now, but still, I feel a connection to his idea that something
that really drives a person to be a comedian is the desire for people to like
you.
I’m not full of myself… alright, I’m not EXTREMLY full of
myself. But I do think my friends like me. In fact, I think even my acquaintances
at least wish no ill on me, if they don’t also like me a little. But, a great
way to get a super crazy person like me to totally forget the fact that I’m
well-liked (ok, but not REALLY SUPER EXTREMLY full of myself) is to keep me
inside my own head for any period of time. After a few hours where I haven’t
talked to a friend, haven’t gotten a text, or seen a Facebook post, and
suddenly, that obsessive switch in my head flips, and I begin to methodically
worry about every single person I haven’t talked to that day, and wondering why
they like all their other friends more than me.
To be fair, the above train of thought is a stupid one.
Super stupid. Which I know, logically, and I usually find it easy to avoid that
train of thought, but only through the power of my obsessive mind. When I have
16 projects due for my classes, 2 more projects at work, a meeting for a club,
and the need to get dinner somewhere along the way, those hours in between
seeing the people I love breeze by, and I never find myself worrying about
these silly things. But with a schedule like I have this summer, lots of free,
scattered moments, with a lot of time in my head, and all of a sudden this obsessive
gift turns into a curse.
For those of you that have made it through the length of
this particularly complainy blog post, I thank you. One of the things that I can
place in the obsession tunnel to block my worries is thinking about what my
next blog post might be about, and thinking that there are people reading it
goes a long way towards that end. Still though, if I ever become a super hero,
and you are my arch-nemesis, if you want to stall me out completely, to leave
me walling in my own misery, sitting around for hours wondering why my friends
don’t miss me, and why I don’t have a girlfriend, and why my life sucks, and
just generally feeling obnoxiously sorry for myself, while you take over the
tri-state area, and dominate your subjects with
oddly named gadgets , whose names all end in “-inator,” it won’t be a
hard thing to do. Simply wait until school’s done, and summer is in, when I’m
removed from the comfort of school, the proximity to my friends, and the
predictability of life in general. It would seem that if my superpower is
obsession, then my one true weakness must be inconsistency.
